Problems with teenagers. Any advice?

I have teenage step-children ages 17 and 19. We have always gotten along very well - in fact they have treated me better than their own mother. They live out of state with their mother but visit 3-4 times a year. That is until this year. The 19 year old is in college and never writes, calls, or answers her e-mails because as she puts it - she is ';too busy';. My step-son has changed drastically in the last 6 months. He is skipping school, stealing from his mother, and staying out all night with friends. I am pretty sure drugs are involved. Neither visited us for Christmas this year and didn't even call their dad to wish him Merry Christmas or to thank us for the gifts we sent. I am very hurt by their selfish behavior. I didn't go through this with my daughter so I have no experience dealing with this type of behavior. Any advice out there from other parents or teenagers? At this point we are ready to give up on them and call it quits with the calls, e-mails, and extra money we send.Problems with teenagers. Any advice?
Drugs are a serious issue, if you are seriously convinced that it's drugs, tell them that, full of apologies, and get them tested within the week. Perhaps the best ';tact'; is to suggest that their distance scares you and that the stealling and stuff are bad signs. Tell them you'd do ANYTHING for them, even if it makes them hate you for it. This is not a matter of not trusting them, it's a matter of not trusting the behavior, and with the control some drugs can exert over your decision making process, it might not even BE them anymore.





Get the kids tested for drugs, a FULL battery, not just specific ones. If they aren't using, they'll hate you. If they ARE using, they'll hate you. However, if your concern is for them, then it's what they may need, sooner rather than later. Eventually, they'll come around.





As parents you can't always be extra nice, you have to do what needs to be done ';for their own good';, no matter how distasteful.





My parents threw me into ';straight'; (a drug program) without even getting me tested first. I wasn't using at all, but after a bit of a rocky start, we have a great relationship now.





If there's indeed a drug problem, you explain to them that this is their last chance to come clean. That future tests WILL be clean, or the police WILL be called and charges filed. Get them into NA (Narcotics Annonymous), and require that they get an official form from the NA group that get's signed by the leader of the group for each meeting.





90 meetings (and/or events) in 90 days, (if you miss one, go to two the following day) and the sheets will act as proof of that. Let them know that if their drug of choice requires ';detox'; the NA group can help them do it without getting jail time, through their internal sponsorship system. Above all, offer them support as long as they show that they are dealling with their problems.





If they fight, resist, and refuse, then it's time to cut your losses, and as promised, their next drug test failure will get the police involved, and let the justice system do it's job..





HOWEVER, part of what the situation sounds like to ME, is that they've got two sets of parents that are constantly calling/emailling and sending money. Being too.. ';parentish'; possibly ';cramping their style';. Maybe that's not how you feel about it, but it might be what they're feeling. The contact might be a little excessive now that they're newly-made adults who need to flex their wings on their own a bit.





Next step to take would be to cut-off the money, and end the last email with:





';Well, it seems like there's a lot going on over there that you've grown-out of wanting to share with us. We miss you guys, a lot, but we feel like we're pressuring you and don't want to do that.





You're still becoming more and more independant, and we want to respect that. We all had to sever some kind of ties with our parents to become adults ourselves.





Please call or email whenever you want, we'd love to hear how things are going for you guys, and we'll help when we can. Don't take too long though, you have to remember that we're older now and with your father almost dying recently, it scares me to think that one day you'd call for him and he might not be here.';





Then step back, let it go, and see if they return to you. They're the ones that need to dictate how much and how often. It's something they desire to control.





The thing that reinforces this in my mind is the fact that they didn't call when your husband almost died. That's not lack of caring, that's caring too much and not being able to properly express it to you, or cope with it themselves. In their defense, you're likely to have heard ';What? What was I going to say? you already told me about it, but I couldn't ruish over there..';





Sounds odd, but that's because they'd be coming from the perspective that ';parents are gods, and always know what to do, and we rely upon them.. if they are in need, how could we possibly assist THEM?!';





That's how a child answers when they don't few their parents as being human and failible, or at least ';players in the same game of life that they're in.';





I came home the morning after an allnight halloween party (a few days after my 18th birthday), and as I walked up my street I noticed an ambulance out front of our house. The lights were on, but there wasn't anyone standing out there.





I followed a trail of blood from the front steps at the open front door that led to the back of a paramedic standing at my parents bedroom door. There was no clue as to what was happening until I peered past him and he suddenly realized I was there and he stopped me. My dad was outright bawling, which came as a huge shock all by itself, followed by him noticing me and telling me that he's dying now, and that I had to take care of my mom and sister.





My responce? (partially based on the fact that noone seemed to be contradicting his self-proclaimed death announcement, and realizing he needed to get out of shock by being startled, not have it reinforced) ';Shut up, dad, your not dying yet, quit your bullshit, and let them get you on the stretcher!';





He didn't die then, he almost did, but I didn't even go to the hospital to see him. I cared far too much to be able to explain why I didn't want to see such a strong man connected to tubes and everything else. How I didn't want to be there to see him suffer. I was selfish perhaps, but the fact of the matter was, I had no way of relating to what I was feeling, and my head was literlly likee a whirlwind.





Later it become the subject of jokes between him and I, but the reality is that it was a significant wake-up call for me. My dad had become mortal, just like me. It changed everything, but if I lived out of town, would I have called anyone? Heck no! It's not a sign of distancing, it's a sign of coping.





If there IS the drug problem.. there are support groups for that (Nar Anon), it would be worth looking into for your own piece of mind.. it's for the families of addicts. Trust is gone and needs to be replaced, that's the best way to achieve it.. but taking a look inside and looking at how you view them.. and then discovering how you really feel about it all, and discovering clear paths of action, to either regain your children, or be comfortable with their decisions.





I wish you the best of luck!





One thing to keep in-mind, regardless of what you shoose to do.. at 19, you have no real control over them anymore. If they refuse to take the first drug-test, you can suggest that you'll require it before sending them any further money.





Be relatively sure about the drug situation before you proceed with it though. It could be a wasted exercise, and get everyone upset over nothing.Problems with teenagers. Any advice?
Continuing to pursue them and send them gifts will only reinforce to them that you and their parents can be taken for granted. Sometimes the best approach is to give back exactly as you have received.





Stop sending money %26amp; gifts; do not pursue them. For a while, do not accept calls or visits from them--you are simply too busy---(not that they'd give any). Stonewall. They will begin to appreciate you again when what they have taken for granted is rescinded. After a while, take their call and tell them that you have had enough of being treated like crap and you will no longer tolerate it.





As far as the boy goes, he does not live with you and you can't control him. This is up to his mother. But it may go a long way to clue her in--perhaps if she can say, no, your dad doesn't want to see you because you're acting like a jerkhole, it may sink in.





STOP giving them any reason to continue this terrible behavior. This is not normal 'kid' behavior and needs to stop before it worsens.
Having been a teenage girl not too long ago, I can tell you that she's just testing her wings. I don't think I called my own Mom once my whole first year of college. If you can get in touch with HER, you could mention you'd like her to keep in touch better, since you've been sending her money. Unfortunately I was never a teenage boy and haven't been involved in drugs so I don't have much helpful advice there. I would sit down with him and his Dad and talk to him, though. At least if drugs are the problem, he'll know that he can get help if he chooses to.
With the 19-yr old, it's not uncommon to see drastic changes in behavior once they go to college and try to cut as many strings as possible due to influences they now have around them. The 17-yr. old may be reacting to new influences he has at school and the fact his older sister isn't around to keep him in check at all. I'd cut as many extras as possible to both of them since they are acting in an unappreciative manner.
I would feel like giving up if it was me too. But giving up is not the right way to go. You guys care a lot and it shows. But then again they are teenagers and don't care, they will realize but long time from now. If you guyz could talk to their mother or better yet, go visit. Giving up on a family member is never a good idea, but i can def understand how un-appreciated you two must feel. Call their mother and ask that she brings the kids along with her.
That's the ticket...give up on the calls, emails and especially the money you are sending..If drugs are involved, you know where your money is going...they aren't children anymore..if they want to behave like ingrates, wash your hands of them.
Dont worry honey, they are just going through a very hard time, and trust me when you are, u cant even make yourself call or write a letter. i am seeing a sychotherapist and my life is just so messed up i dont at all have the power to talk to my granny, but i really luv her.
Please don't give up on them. They're just gettng older is all. The 19 year-old in college might very well be very busy--sophmore year can be tough. And 17 year-old boys are just plain awful. I know, I have one. They are at the age when they are just naturally self-absorbed and they are learning how to separate themselves from their parents. But now is the time you have to stay on them constantly so they know they can always go back to you if they need to. While I agree no thank-yous or phone calls are damned inconsiderate, typical inconsideration is hardly a reason to disown one's children. As for the stealing and skipping school, that is something that needs to be addressed firmly by his father. He needs to know that will not be tolerated and then his parents need to stay on top of him constantly to monitor him. If it is not nipped in the bud right away there will be bigger problems later. So don't cut them off! Stay on them and close to them and you can always use their inconsideration to make them feel guilty later.
Balance. Its the hardest, most valuable thing in life.





I would stop trade, but not burn the bridges. Keep the door open, but dont tell them they own the house.





You cant make them love you. You can be available when they approach you. If you ';throw yourself at them'; they think they own you or that you are ';granted';. If you close the door then later if they want a relationship then you miss out.





Its very real that the older one in college is insanely busy. Its tough. A care package could help. I personally got a lot of good value from ';guaranteed 4.0';. It did wonders for my gpa. Seriously I just graduated *** Laude (latin for with honors) because I used it.





It is very likely that the younger has a drug problem. Call their parents and let them know.. give them the links to websites that tell how to find the signs. Most police can get you very reliable websites to share with the other set of parents. Do what you would want them to do if the roles were reversed.





Most kids brains dont congeal until they are 25-ish. Keep the door open till then. It may be that they fly away and never come back. It may be that they have a season now that they go through.
Stop sending them money for sure! Once you stop doing that, they will try to come and find you, especially if drugs are involved.





Maybe the girl in college is feeling guilty about feeling closer to you than she is to her own mother and she is trying to figure herself out. And, don't take it personally, but she's in college. When you're in college, you don't want to talk to your family all the time. You want to have fun, be with friends, and find out more about yourself.





The guy probably is getting himself into trouble. I would talk to the mother and make sure that she is setting boundaries for him. It sounds like she's not really doing her part. Another thing I would suggest is for the father to talk to him or visit him. If he's up to no good, it's the parents responsibility to figure it out.





Good luck, and sorry you're going through this hard time.
Try to find out about his friend circle and group with whom he is passing time. Than try to talk to him and tell him consciences of drug and how life gets suffered by it,convince him to give up bad friends,give him some examples of abuse of drugs and bad company,
I feel your pain. I too have a teenager (16) and they definitely change...ALOT. Whatever you do, don't stop calling or emailing them. They need to know in the back of their minds that you are there and you care...no matter what. I know it's tough because it's hurtful...but they will remember it in the future. They are busy...try to remember how into your friends you were at their age. They are finding their place in the world and just need some space. They WILL come back around (as long as you don't give up on them). BUT...while I say don't stop calling and emailing, I WILL advise to stop sending money that isn't mandated by courts. If they aren't showing appreciation and respect...they shouldn't be rewarded with money. When I go to my mom for advice she tells me the one thing she wishes she could make me see (and she wishes she had learned earlier) is that I need to stop worrying about it so much because it will work itself out in time. Good luck!!!
If they have been through a traumatic experience (parents splitting), a little bit of the reason could be to do with that. Maybe they are blaming one of you for what happened between their parents. If im anoid with someone, as a teenager, I will ignore them completely. Do they know about their fathers surgeries? If they found out then maybe they would change their mind. If they do know, then they are being incredibly harsh and selfish. Im sorry i cant help!
i wonder if the mother has told them something that put the two of them against you? it also may be dealing with the fact that they may have new groups of friends, new surroundings (?)....dealing with stress? has something major happened in the past months?





good luck!