Just to give you an overall picture, she is mature for her age, she looks older than 15 because of her height and shape. She has a good heart, but she is quite a moaner and always thinks she is being hard-done by. She has an older sister at university, and i suspect she wants to enjoy the same freedoms as her sis.
Her mum seems to have given up disciplining her. Of course i will speak to her mum before going ahead to get mums permission but i know she wants my help cos she asked for help with this before
I want my niece to confide in me, but i dont want her to think that i am condoning her behaviour.
How do i approach this?
(we are of Nigerian origin, not sure if helps)!!Advice on speaking to a wayward teenager?
i have 3 teenage daughters and i sympathise totally.
I always find that if things are changing in their lives and they seem to be finding things a bit difficult or they seem to be going off the rails a great tip is to take them out for a girly 1 on 1 shopping trip. yes it does involve sending money but hey you can stop off in Starbucks to have a coffee and a chat.
i find that because I'm doing something with them that i would usually do with my own girlfriends, they feel mature. talk about things you know that will connect with your niece such as drinking or gigs, find that subject and then when she opens up just sit back and listen to her. you'll be surprised to things that are issues in her life. she maybe 15 but in today's society that is like being 20 something. let her know that you will listen to her unconditionally. don't criticise her or use the No You can't !words. let her trust you. and trust me she'll be telling you this, that and the other in no time.the key now is to guide her gently with sound honest advice give her the chance to see where she is hurting herself and mum. Give her real life scenarios, by using the news papers such as The South London Press or your local paper. We are Black too, and too often the stories in these papers relate to us. good luck, I hope this is of some helpAdvice on speaking to a wayward teenager?
Tricky. You are right to ask your sister first, because discipline HAS to come from her, not you. If you try and do it, you could be undermining what is left of her authority.
It seems you are lucky enough to have your niece's confidence.
Since she has asked you for help before, you could ask her how things are going, and use that as a start point. Ask her where she thinks this will end. Where does she want o be this time next year, and will doing what she is doing get her there?
You will do no harm in telling her that you do not condone her behaviour, as long you don't shout at her. She is probably desperate for guidance.
What about your sister? What support does she have? Why has she given up and what has happened to cause this young lady to come of the rails? She could ring Parentline, 0808 800 2222
or look on their website at www.parentlineplus.org.uk for tips on coping with teenagers.
Get her a cell phone that has gps. Then you can track her whereabouts on line for about 20 bucks a month. If she is going places she shouldn't be, then you can take the 'evidence' to her mom. If she doesn't have anything to hide then she won't mind being tracked. It's a good way for teens to earn their parents trust, and to become more trust worthy.
well.. I can tell you my opinion. No one that I know confides in someone who considers them 'wayward'. If people feel critisized, they won't open up to you. I tend to be rather non judgmental. My opinion is that no one is lost or way ward. Everyone is on a journey. She is making these choices and will learn her lessons. She will ok... she is learning about life. If you approach her with that attitude, she will be more likely to open up. You don't have to condone or agree with her behavior... but you don't have to critisize it because you dont' understand it. Does that make sense? Sometimes non judgment isn't easy.. but if you can manage that, then she will have someone 'safe' to confide it while she goes through this time in her life
First I am gonna tell you I love working with children especially teenage boys and girls. My opinion on this is that with young ladies you need to be on their side. It is not necessarily agreeing with their behavior but showing them that you have been there before and try to relate. Also, you have to appear to be approachable and not judgemental, youth do not respond well to people who are judging them or labelling them based on what you see as ';wayward'; behavior. She is young and will do many rebellious things but she still needs guidance. Confront and express to her your concern in her behavior but at the same time lend her your listening ear and compassionate heart.
Well
Good news ...
You mentioned gigs
Thats often a good sign if it means shes into the likes of
Skatepunk, emo, nu metal, heavey metal, indie, britpop, thrash, goth, punk etc... ie rock music
As those scenes tend to be mostly drug free other then a little dope maybe.
But far more so the underlying values and culture is not preditory or dominanting and degrading of girls and gays like say hip hop, garage, house etc.
Most in varous rock music scenes are not into fighting, dont think its cool to be hard and bully others or pick vicoious fights over nothing or form gangs etc.
Nore are super expensive clothes concious.
And whlst they drink.
Most are more interested in the band, dancing, crowd surfing (carried over the crowd), stage diving...jumping off stage into the crowd (the smart ones make sure said crowd ready to catch) or moshing/slam dancing which looks aggressive and violent but is not really at all and very rare anyone gets hurt.
ie bouncing into each other and throwing each other around to wild music. (lots of fun and good for stress relief) Bit like everyone piling onto a bouncy castle and going potty.
But you fall over and say five people around you pick you up.
The older look after the younger, the stronger look after the weaker and the more experienced look after the less experienced rockers.
And many gorw up to be creative types, or social types like teachers and youth workers and those would be the wild ones with the wild coloured hair and tattoos.
however whats also commin with 15 year olds in general is trying to drink too much as discovered alcohol without the older ones to look up to to say hay kid take it easy...
Not cool to be falling over, vometing and off to casuklty to get stomach pumped.
Plus kids that young should not be drinking certianly not a bottle of odka as it effects them much stronger.
As people get older they often in the rock scen learn their limits and take it easier.
Unlike chav types into house and garage, RnB, normal' music who are the ones who alwasy drink too much and get into fights.
Your rocker lot tend to be the chilled out hippy types in festivals like Gladstonebury.
Now of course if we are talking Gangster rap/grime etc gigs then none of that applies as you are dealing with a club full or crack dealing mugger types, or certainly far more likly to come accross that type who would kick you to death for looking at them in a way they dont like.
Ricker types dont care about spilt drinks and even if a fight did occur (rare) it would be realtively mild, no gangs, kicking on the ground or weapons etc.
More likely so in so was too timing so in so, punch up, the odd bruise and thats the end of it.
*****************
Solutions...
Well how old are you?
What your niece needs is not the parent here.
But a reble mentor roll model which would need to be not to old.
More cool can pull the girls/guys, maybe has a car, first to stage dive, party animal type who also does not get agro and looks after the younger lot. Whos probably has a wild hair cut and oldies disapprove of but is not really nasty or bad.
A example of which could be seen in the old sit come Happy days ... ie the Fonz.
Other characters in films inc Han Solo star wars, Max (Jessica Alba) in Dark Angel etc.
Now this aint the 50s so we would be looking at someone far more up to date and in your case female.
But you get the general idea.
Someone to give make up tips that will horrify parents, (ie dye hair bright neon pink into dread locks etc.
Who maybe has a tattoo.
Who has a boyfriend or is good at using her sexuality on guys or having fun with guys.
Who is popular, can dance, good at clubbing and would be the one to lead operation sneak into galdstonebury.
(ie a little naughty.
But therefore be taken seriously if says hey take it easy with the booze kid that aint cool you getting sick... You want to be cool lets see some moves that show up the boys on the dance floor.
Not a t totaller christian but somone who could show here how to feel grown up and be cool without needing to get **** faced, and tell herto stop being a ***** to her parents.
Someon uni age or slightly above (leader of the pack) would be good for this.
Now you could possibly be this if you were say in twenties pref early, and the one who always went clubbing and to gigs etc.
This is the kind who the girls can make her hero, and someone to confide in as they would understand what shes going though in her eays unlike her parent who never dated, never went to parties or had any feelings according to her.
Someone also who will be able to be assertive enough to stop her trying to over big herself .
ie shes still only 15.
We used to bring 15 year old cousins, somones sister, half sister from abroad when we went out (less nightclub age is 18)
but in the clubs we went to half were 16-18.
Full on rocktypes
and the clubs were safe... (only saw one fight in 15 years and that was when a guy acting a tit was dumb enough to grab the but of the fiestiest tomboy type in the place half his size who gave him a good thumping, we pulled her off him , but he propbably only had a balck eye next morning, few bruises and the embarrasmanet on getting slapped to the floor by a girl hal his size.)
Our rules would be you can come but pepsi only and no wandering off, if you meet a guy and want to make out. Fine but were we can keep an eye on you incase the guy is a dk head.
THINK YOU CANT STOP A STEAM TRAIN CHARGING AT YOU, BUT YOU CAN SWITCH THE POINTS AND DIRECT IT TO A SAFE TRACK TO STOP A CRASH.
Thats the suggestion.
See the qualifications above.
Someone who can welcome and guide her into grown up going out but slow her down and help her do it undercontrol and responsibly.
and that includes no downing bottles of vodka, or satying up 3am every school night.
AS (NOW HERS THE THOUGHT TO GET IN HER HEAD)
IF SHE GETS PISSED TO 3AM EVERY NIGHT.
SHE WONT GET INTO UNI LIKE HER SISTER
WHERE THE AMAZING PARTIES ARE
IF SHE WANTS THE BEST UNI PARTIES.
SHE NEEDS TO STUDY.
ALSO NO STUDY, NO GOOD JOB THEN WONT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO GO OUT AND PARTY.
wONT HAVE THE FREEDOM TO AFFORD TO BE ABLE TOGO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD OR AFFORD NICE WHEELS TO GO TO FEASTIVALS.
the funky colursed hair and sexy clothes is normal and not the problem...
But you want her to confide in you you need to make yourself apear cool in her eyes, having got up to all the nuaghty stuff.
(Good stories about who you and her mum used to party would help) to get credibility.
That way you have the cool point power to keep her off drugs.
Ie if you skydive, swim with sharks, have a nice customised car, look cool, get into the cool clubs and gigs, even better your in a band...
You dont need drugs to be cool. or fight etc.
Get the general idea what Im getting at?
She will push boundaries to try and feel grown up and get accepted
Much like in tribal times a teen guy waouls want to take on a lion to get his first kill and initated into manhood to be accepted as a young warrior .
Well this is like a modern version and your need to femalise it.
Most of what I have suggested is more bloky but you understand?
And it helps for mum to be in on it and pretending to disapprove.
But its the bigger picture you are looking at long term, it will take time and may appear undermining at first till you (or whoever you get to do this as you may not have the qualifications) you then get her back accpeting mum aint so bad after all as not trying to stop you having a life but trying to help you.
IF YOU DONT DO THIS... OR GET SOMEONE WHO CAN.
SOMEONE ELSE WILL TAKE THIS ROLE ONLY IT WON'T WONT BE THE POSITIVE VERSION I DESCRIBED.
GANG MEMBERS OR SIMILAR TYPES, OR GIRLS WHO WILL GET HER DEEP INTO DRUGS, GETTING WASTED, OR JOYRIDING AND END UP DEAD.
As often kids end up gangs looking for theis tcool top hero person to help them into adulthood and acceptabnce only its the wrong group and a nasty one they get accepted into.
Note my description would describe a typical youth outreach worker. You cant do this if a nurd, squeeky clean and goodie too shes in a suit etc.
It should be her mum who is doing the disciplining, but in a close family like yours,the next best adult, like yourself, can do it, of course with her mother's permission.
Teenagers need limits, and they need someone to be firm about setting them. Sure, they moan and kick up and all that sort of whiny stuff, but one day, (a long time off!) she will recognise what you tried to do for her.
Just yesterday, I reprimanded my 6 year old grandson for kicking his father, my son, on the shins. My son is an easy-going ,laid -back sort of dad, but I don't believe your children have the right to kick you, no matter how young they are.
I said ';don't you dare kick your daddy like that, not as long as I'm alive!';
He was so astonished, because I am a loving grandmother, and have NEVER told him off before, that he stopped immediately and burst into tears., eventually saying ';sorry, nanna';. I told him his dad needed an apology too.
So you see, you can do it too.
Good luck.
Oh I really feel for you,its horrible you think where has my daughter gone,they love to push boundaries at this age,a lot of it is peer pressure.However I do understand how some parents feel like giving up,she will come out of it,your sister could ring Parent line Plus,they really listen and make you aware of your choices as parent,they are also on the net.Good luck
You need to let your niece know that she can talk to you and trust you. Then you need to find out why she is involved in this behavior. Is she trying to get someones attention or does she not care and just wants to have fun?
No comments:
Post a Comment